Vampires Versus Fairies
by blackandblood
Summary: Takuya and the gang go to their friend's house for a summertime costume party. But Takuya gets into a fight with a guy who is dressed up as Edward Cullen and decides to show him what makes a good vampire, as oppose to a fairy. Warning: Twilight bashing


**Alright, here is my newest one-shot. I hope you like it, but before you read, make sure you look at the warning.**

**Warning: This fic contains Twilight-bashing, as I despise the series and decided to have a bit of fun. So if you like Twilight and read this fic anyway, I will only laugh at any flames I will receive. Have a nice day and don't say I didn't give you a fair heads-up.**

**Vampires Versus Fairies**

"Okay, tell me again why we're going to a costume party in the damn summer." Eighteen year-old Kouji Minamoto sighed in annoyance. "This is so stupid..."

He was currently walking down the street with five of his best friends, on the way to a costume party. Although he had nothing else planned for that particular night, he still thought that the idea was somewhat ridiculous.

Takuya rolled his eyes. "Well, why not? I think that it's pretty cool to have a costume party in the middle of June. You seriously need to get that stick out of your ass, Kouji. Hell, you didn't even put on a damn costume."

Takuya was dressed as Alucard from _Hellsing_. He wore a white collared shirt, a charcoal suit, and an unbuttoned long red overcoat that went all the way down to his ankles. The brunette was also wearing black boots, a red cravet, white gloves that each had one star surrounded by a circle, and circular orange-lenesed sunglasses. On his head was Alucard's signature hat, a red fedora with a wide and floppy brim.

Kouji snorted in contempt. "I may not be wearing a proper costume but I did somewhat dress up."

The bandana-wearing teen was wearing his regular clothes, which consisted of black jeans, a blue t-shirt, a black jacket, and sneakers. The only thing indicating that he was wearing anything other than a normal outfit was a simple white name tag on his shirt. The name tag read 'Satan'.

"Would you two stop fighting already?" Zoe asked with a sigh. "I swear, you guys haven't shut up since we left."

"Which was about ten minutes ago," Kouichi added. "Here we are thinking that it was a nice night to walk to Gerald's house, but no. You guys had to bitch and annoy us."

Zoe was dressed as Little Red Riding Hood, being convinced by Takuya to do so. She had on a red skirt, and a black corset-like top that had a white silk bodice. The corset was directly under her breasts, therefore pushing them up a bit. A small white apron was tied around her waist, and she was wearing sheer black thigh highs, as well as black high-heeled shoes with straps. Her blond hair hung freely down her back, and a red hooded cape covered the top of her head and ended at her waist. Kouichi was wearing a 40's gangster costume, consisting of a black suit, a white tie, white suspenders, and a white fedora with a black stripe above the brim. He had a black blazer over his shirt, and a cigar dangled from the corner of his mouth, though it was not lit.

"Don't blame me for Kouji's bitchiness," Takuya replied nonchalantly. "He just doesn't like Gerald much, so he's whining about every little thing."

"It's not that I don't like Gerald," Kouji groaned. "It's just that...well, he's kind of a nutcase."

"Yeah, and you're so much better," J.P. quipped.

Kouji smirked. "I wouldn't be talking if I were you. I mean, why the fuck are you dressed as a damn Pilgrim? Did Thanksgiving come early this year?"

"I'm not a Pilgrim, I'm a Quaker!" J.P. exclaimed. "I wanted to go as the guy on the Quaker Oats box, but the store didn't have any Quaker costumes! So I had no choice but to buy a Pilgrim costume instead! But that's okay, because I have the Quaker Oats box in my hand to show everyone that I am a Quaker!"

"What the hell are Quaker Oats?" Takuya asked, raising an eyebrow.

"A cereal!" His hefty friend exclaimed in excitement. "And I'm depicting the guy on the front of the box. Don't I look hella cool?"

J.P. was looking pretty ridiculous in his Pilgrim get-up, though he didn't seem to care. He was wearing short black pants that ended at his knees, white knee socks, a black shirt with a white collar, black shoes with buckles, and a black hat with a black buckle. There were also white cuffs at the end of each sleeve, and a black belt with a gold buckle was around his waist.

"Besides, at least I wore a costume instead of only putting on a stupid name tag," J.P. added with a snicker. "You're going to look like a fucking idiot!"

Yet J.P. looked the dumbest of all in his wannabe Quaker costume. Even Tommy, who was dressed as penguin, looked way better. He looked cute in his penguin costume, complete with a little red bowtie. See, Tommy was smart because the party would be full of girls who liked 'cute things'. And with Tommy dressed up as a cute penguin, he would surely be glomped by almost every girl present. If only his friends were that smart. Of course, they'd probably look crazy since they didn't have the cuteness that Tommy did. Yeah, Tommy's cuter than them, alright?

"Let's just have a good time, okay? Gerald worked really hard to get this party together," Zoe said as they neared their friend's driveway. "So please, try not to kill each other."

"He started it," Takuya and Kouji replied unanimously.

"Oh, shut up!" Kouichi snapped. "We're here, so stop acting like a couple of assholes."

The six of them approached the front door, which swung open before they even reached the steps in front of the door. Gerald greeted them enthusiastically, waving like a lunatic.

"Hi, guys! Glad you could make it to my party!" He shouted loud enough to wake the dead.

Everyone stared at him and sweatdropped, taken slightly aback by his...interesting costume. Gerald was dressed as Rainbow Brite, despite the fact that he was a guy. He was wearing a short, shiny blue dress with several blots of color decorating it. White silk shorts went down to his knees, though they still showed off his rather hairy legs... Multi-colored striped stockings covered half of his calves and his arms. A blond yarn wig was on his head and his face was accented with red lipstick and eyeliner. In one hand was a glittery gold toy wand, and in the other was his sister's Chihuahua . The dog was wearing a silky blue costume with splashes of color on it as well. A little gold hat was on his head, and a tiny springy star on top was going back and forth slightly.

"Wow...interesting costume," Takuya finally managed to utter.

The others nodded in agreement, still wide-eyed and struggling not to laugh.

"Why, thank you! I'm Rainbow Brite!" Gerald told them, then held up the dog. "And this is my sidekick, Twink!"

The Chihuahua stared back at them, wishing that he could escape from the wretched costume he had been forced to wear. He prayed that an eighteen-wheeler would come barel-assing down the street. However, no such luck came and poor 'Twink' was forced to stay in his stupid, make-shift costume.

"Well, come on in! Most of the guests are already here," Gerald said, moving away from the door.

"So...is your sister here?" Kouichi asked, looking all shifty-eyed as he passed him.

Gerald allowed everyone to enter before answering. "Yup, Kaoru's here. She's in the corner with some of her friends."

Kouichi foamed at the mouth upon seeing his friend's sister, staring shamelessly at her sultry costume. Kaoru was dressed as Poison Ivy, wearing a strapless, dark green leotard that was covered in sequins. Under the leotard was a pair of light green tights, and she wore green high-heeled shoes, as well as a dark green leaf headband over her long, wavy red hair. She had on a pair of green contacts over her naturally blue eyes, and covering her forearms were green glovelets with glitter on them.

Accompanying Kaoru were her two best friends, Alaina and Chiharu. Alaina was wearing a Sailor Moon costume consisting of a white leotard with a short blue pleated skirt and a red ribbon in the back. Her leotard had a blue sailor's collar on it as well as red ribbon below the collar, and she wore white gloves and knee-high red boots to complete the outfit. She had even done her hair up in the twin 'meatballs' with a gold tiara over her forehead. Chiharu was dressed as Carrie, wearing a silky, pale pink prom dress. However, the pink was barely visible under the red 'bloodstains' that covered the dress. Red paint-like make-up covered her face, exposed skin, and hair, making it look as though a bucket of blood had been poured over her. There was even a bit of 'blood' on her pink flower corsage. Luckily, the make-up and stains were dry, so she did not leave any red messes on the carpet.

"Hey, Kaoru!" Kouichi exclaimed, nearly giving the girl a heart attack. "How are you?"

"Well, I was good until someone DEAFENED me!" Kaoru practically shouted.

Kouich blinked. "Really? Well, who did it? I'll kick their ass!"

Kaoru sweat-dropped while Alaina and Chiharu tried to contain their laughter. Elsewhere, J.P. had found his way to the snack table, where he was in the process of devouring everything. Kouji was standing nonchalantly in the corner of the room, acting grouchy and emo like he normally did. Tommy was being glomped by several girls at the party, all of them squealing about how cute he was. Takuya was sitting on a chair with Zoe on his lap, and he was trying to pay attention to her face rather than her breasts. But it proved to be difficult.

Amongst the party guests were Goku from _Dragon Ball Z_, Solid Snake, Ripley from the _Alien_ franchise, The Bride from _Kill Bill_, the Mad Hatter, Ryuk from _Death Note_, Pinhead, Maka from _Soul Eater_, Tobi from _Naruto_, a witch, a lizard, a flying monkey, a pirate ninja, a person dressed as a laundry basket with a bra on their head, and several more.

"Hey, Takuya," a guy dressed like Jason Voorhees said, making his way over with another teenage boy.

He was wearing black pants, a black shirt, and a tattered and stained jacket had had once been tan in color. On his face was a realistic-looking hockey mask that resembled Jason's, and he was holding a 'blood-stained' machete.

"Hey, Kohta," Takuya replied, then nodded to the teenager next to him. "Who's that?"

Kohta seemed to sigh, though his hockey mask hid his annoyed expression. "That's my cousin-"

"Edward!" The kid exclaimed loudly. "Edward Cullen's the name!"

Edward was dressed in a light blue t-shirt, blue jeans, and a dark blue denim jacket. His face was covered in glitter and shimmer, giving him a shiny and sparkly appearance, and his hear was done in a douche-like manner.

"Why are you covered in sparkles?" Takuya asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Because I'm a vampire!" Edward shouted enthusiastically.

Kohta groaned and shook his head, before turning around. "I'm gettin' some punch...and possibly spiking it..."

"Since when do vampires sparkle?" Takuya inquired, his attention still directed at Edward.

"Since Stephenie Meyer had the ingenious idea to make vampires sparkle!" Edward told him. "Isn't that brilliant? Instead of bursting into flames, her vampires glimmer in the sunlight."

"What? No, that's stupid," Takuya replied, not believing what he was listening to. "Vampires aren't supposed to sparkle. What is this Stephenie Meyer person on? Crack? Heroin? Cocaine? All of the above?"

Edward let out a girlish gasp. "Of course not! Stephenie is God amongst the vampire writers! God, I say! Others only copy her to get their inspiration!"

This time, Zoe looked at him as if he had ten heads. "Um, well there are other authors who have written amazing vampire stories. If you want to read an interesting vampire novel, I suggest that you read Bram Stoker's Dracula or Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles. They're all very good."

"Bitch! Do you dare to suggest that I read anything other than my precious Twilight? Twilight is THE greatest vampire story in history! Everyone else sucks and can't write anything that even compares!" Edward spat, sparkling in the lights.

Takuya allowed Zoe to get off his lap before standing up angrily. "Don't call my girlfriend a bitch, you stupid fuck. She was only telling you about some other vampire books. You know, where the vampires don't fucking sparkle!"

"Sparkling is cool!" Edward retorted. "And no one writes as good as Stephenie Meyer! No one! And that includes Stephen King, J.K. Rowling, Anne Rice, or any other dumbass author you try to suggest. They all suck!"

"Have you even read any of those authors, you stupid shit? Every single one of those authors are a million times better than that Meyer bitch. She can't write to save her life. I don't even read many books, but even I know that they're all a hell of a lot better than Meyer's books," Takuya scoffed. "And guess what? Vampires don't sparkle! Fairies do!"

"I'm not a fairy, you asshole! I'm a vampire! And what the hell are you supposed to be?" The wannabe-vampire demanded in a rude voice.

Takuya smirked. "A vampire. One that doesn't sparkle for that matter, you pansy."

"Here we go..." Zoe shook her head in dismay.

"Shut up, Blondie," Edward hissed. "And for the record, you're no Bella!"

Zoe turned red in fury, brutally grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. "Hell no I'm not Bella! For one thing, I can fend for my damn self! I'm not a whiny, dependent, useless, spoiled crybaby like her! And to top it all off, I don't have an emo, sparkly, abusive, stalkerish boyfriend who has no personality whatsoever!"

"How dare you! I'm not abusive! And Bella is not useless! Sure, I might not be sure what she's good for, but she lets me watch her sleep for hours upon hours! How is that creepy and stalkerish?" Edward taunted.

"Why are you referring to yourself as Edward, you idiot? You're only dressed as the loser," Takuya pointed out. "You don't see me calling myself Alucard."

Edward snorted. "What the hell is an Alucard? Some type of disease?"

"No, Alucard is a vampire who could annihilate Edward Cullen within the matter of seconds. Of course, he'd torture him for hours just to amuse himself. Alucard is a badass vampire who doesn't cry in a corner all day ejaculating rainbows, like your precious Edward," Takuya told him.

"I am Edward!" Edward cried out, tears running down his face dramatically. "I am pretty! And I am self-loathing! But that's okay, because girls find that attractive! Twilight teaches a lot of good lessons in life! What has that Alucard dumbass have to teach people?"

"Well, for one thing, Twilight tells girls that if they try to commit suicide, their ex-boyfriends will come running back to them," Zoe replied dryly. "So yeah, I wonder how many girls are going to jump into a lake waiting for someone go save their sorry asses. Too bad all of them will be too stupid to realize that no one will come, unless it's just some random passerby."

Takuya took off his sunglasses. "And you know what Alucard has taught people? The fact that real vampires don't sparkle, you Twitard!"

While Takuya and Zoe continued to fued with Edward, Kouji, who had been standing in the corner of the room, was approached by one of the guests. He looked up from the floor to see a girl with black hair and brown eyes staring at him. She was dressed as the Devil, wearing a long , low-cut red glittery dress that went to her ankles. The dress was spaghetti-strapped and there was a slit on the side of the skirt, exposing almost her entire right leg. With the dress being corset-like, her tanned breasts were practically spilling over the top, causing Kouji to sweat a bit. Red stilettos, a glittery headband with devil horns, and a shiny red pitchfork completed her attire.

"So, what are you supposed to be?" She asked him, trying to figure it out.

Kouji simply moved his jacket off to the side, exposing his 'Satan' name tag. The girl raised an eyebrow, then looked at him as if he had ten heads.

"You're Satan?" She asked with a bit of disdain in her voice. "No offense, but I doubt that Satan would go around in casual clothes like that."

"How do you know?" Kouji challenged. "He might not want to be noticed amongst everyone. Do you honestly think he'd parade around in a glitzy dress? And you're kind of rude for not telling me what your name is. I'm Kouji, so you should have the decency to tell me who you are."

The girl narrowed her eyes. "My name is Jade, you self-righteous bastard. And at least _I_ made an attempt to dress up."

"How am I the bastard? You're the one who approached me and started bitching about how I chose to wear a name tag instead of a damn costume," Kouji pointed out.

"I didn't bitch at you," Jade shot back defensively. "I was only commenting about how it's unrealistic for Satan to be walking around in normal clothes and a name tag."

Kouji rolled his eyes. "Fine, if you see the Devil walking around in a red dress, give me a call, okay?"

With that he handed her a small card with his phone number on it. Jade looked at it with disdain, but stuffed it between her breasts nonetheless.

"Ass," she muttered.

"Yeah, I get that a lot. So you wanna get some punch? I think Kohta's spiking it."

"Sure."

The two of them made their way over to the punch, passing by Tommy. The boy in the penguin costume was surrounded by eight girls, all of them fighting to sit next to him.

"Hey, move over! I was here first!"

"No you weren't, you bitch!"

"Awww, he's soooo cute!"

"I wanna take him home with me!"

"You can take him home after I do!"

"No! I claimed him first!"

"Tommy, would you like a cookie?"

"No, I already offered him one! He needs a drink now!"

"Oh, I just wanna hug him to death!"

"He looks so adorable dressed as penguin!"

Tommy chuckled to himself as the girls continued to fight over him. "This is the life..."

Kouichi had somehow managed to convince Kaoru to dance with him, though she had smacked him across the face when he tried to touch her ass. He was now chasing her around in a creepy manner, hoping that she'd give him a second chance. Alaina and Chiharu were watching with amusement, both of them drinking the punch that had been spiked.

J.P. had cleaned off half of the refreshements table, and he was showing no signs of slowing down. "Mmmm...foooood!"

"J.P., cool it on the snacks already!" Gerald exclaimed as he waved his glittery wand. "I need enough to feed everyone else!"

"They snooze, they lose!" The Pilgrim-dressed boy replied, stuffing a bowl of popcorn into his mouth.

Gerald began to hit J.P. with his wand, though the plastic toy had no effect. Twink, the miserable Chihuahua, had finally freed himself from Gerald's grip and was now in the process of finding an open window to escape out of.

Meanwhile, Takuya and Zoe were still arguing with Edward about who was a better vampire. By now, Edward's girlfriend, who obviously was as crazy as her boyfriend and was calling herself Bella, had joined them. Bella was staring vacantly at the ceiling, as if she only had the intelligence of a rock. Of course, everyone knows that rocks are way more intelligent than Bella and Edward combined...

"I have superhuman strength!" Edward exclaimed.

Takuya snorted. "Okay, if you're gonna call yourself Edward, then I'll call myself Alucard and pretend to be him just for the fuck of it! I have superhuman strength, too!"

"Well, I have speed and agility, and I'm the fastest one in my family! And I also have high endurance, I can read minds, I don't age, I don't need sleep, and the only way to kill me is to dismember me and burn me! I can't be killed by decapitation or being staked in the heart, you loser! What the hell can you do?"

Zoe glanced at Takuya and smirked. "Rip him a new one."

Takuya nodded, then looked back at Edward with a sadistic grin. "Well, you don't have fangs for that matter, so right there you don't deserve to even be considered a vampire. You're a fucking one hundred year-old virigin, and to be honest, you can't do half the shit that I can do."

"Oh, yeah? And what's that?" Edward challenged, fixing his douchey hair.

Bella began to quietly talk to herself. "I'm Bella, and I'm clumsy and stupid, but everyone likes me... I think that I'm unattractive, but all of the guys seem to want to fuck me anyway. I also reject anyone who isn't a creepy, abusive stalker..."

"Okay, for one thing, I have everything that you do; superhuman strength and speed, high endurance, and mind reading. But the only difference is that I can rip people to shreds with ease, including you. I move too fast for any human eye to see, I can regenerate myself even after being blown to pieces, unlike you. I can pass through walls, I can walk up vertical surfaces and jump freakishly far, and I have fangs, asshole! I can also use weapons, including swords, and guns and I can shoot any target with dead-on accuracy even without looking. I can shapeshift into bats, insects, demonic dogs, humanoid forms, and amorophous masses of darkness! I can hypnotize people and control their minds, teleport, use telekinesis, absorb memories through blood, and I can sense supernatural activity. And I don't sparkle in the sunlight, you moron!" Takuya smirked with satisfaction. "I think that I just owned your ass. But knowing Edward, he'd like that..."

Edward began to cry like a baby. "But...but I can play music! Twilight is the king of books and movies!"

"Twilight?" Takuya feigned confusion. "All along I thought the series was called 'The Super Happy Funtime Adventures of Sparkles the Fairy'! Damn, but I don't think that I'm that far off. Or maybe you could put up a poster that has a picture of Edward, Bella, and Jacob. Underneath the picture, you could put the following tag; 'Twilight: Where a girl must choose between necrophilia and beastiality'."

Just then a guy dressed as Count Chocula came over and looked at Edward. "Dude, even I'm a better vampire than you. And I'm on a fucking cereal box. Think about it."

"That's it, I'm going to kick your ass!" Edward shouted, swinging his arms around like a wimp on crack. "Come on! No one can defeat Edward, the God of vampires!"

"Jacob is a pedophile," Bella said, a stupid smile plastered on her clueless face. "But I told him that I only like guys who are 107 year-old virgins. But he can hook up with my baby daughter. 'Cause I looooove Edward! He can never leave me because I'll follow and stalk him until he goes nuts!"

Zoe backed away from Bella with weirded out look on her face. Takuya stared at Edward incredulously, before giving him a poke in the chest. Edward fell into the wall with a squeal, then promptly curled into a ball and began to cry his eyes out.

"But I'm Edward! No one can hurt me! I'm invincible!" He sobbed.

"My pet rock could hurt you. You're lucky that I didn't go all Buffy on your ass," Takuya said dryly, before taking Zoe's hand and leading her away from the pathetic fairy who was trying to impersonate a vampire. "Come on, Zoe. Let's go over there instead..."

"I'm the best Edward in the world!" Edward exclaimed.

A moment later, a random guy went up to fallen wannabe-vampire. "No, I'd beg to differ."

"Who're you?" Edward demanded.

"Edward Scissorhands," the guy replied, motioning his shiny black costume and scissor-like 'hands'. "Edward Scissorhands beats Edward Cullen any day. Not only do you fail epically as a vampire, but you fail as an Edward in general."

"Rainbow Brite is better than Edward Cullen, too!" Gerald yelled, now pratically suffocating Twink in a vice-like grip since he had tracked down the dog. "Edward is a pansy who deserves to be castrated since he can't use his schlong anyway. But even if he did have the capabilities to use it, Bella keeps his balls locked in a drawer and she tries them on every night."

"But...I'm pretty!" Edward wailed. "I sparkle and I'm pretty!"

Bella smiled, still not aware of her surroundings. "Edward is hawt! Like OMG, he's freakin' prettier than me! That's why I like Twilight so much! Because it's based on a wet-dream from a delusional author who thinks that vampires are fairies! I love Edward! I love Bella! NO, I AM BELLA!"

Takuya shook his head in annoyance, now standing in the corner of the room with Zoe. "Bunch of nutcases..."

"Yeah...but I'm having a good time," Zoe replied, pulling him in for a kiss.

The brunette wrapped his arms around her and held her to his chest, passionately kissing her soft lips. Zoe moaned softly as she gently bit his lower lip, then felt his tongue enter her mouth. After several seconds, the two of them sank to the floor, Takuya practically on top of her.

While everyone else watched the spectacle, Kouji pulled Jade in for a kiss as well. She stomped on his foot, but gave up her struggle after a moment to kiss him back. Kouichi attempted the same thing with Kaoru, who tried to run away.

"Kaoru, no! I need you!" He cried out as he pursued her through the house.

Tommy was being kissed and cuddled by the crowd of girls surrounding him, while J.P. was making out with a chocolate frosted doughnut. Gerald kissed Twink on the top of his head, but the dog suddenly managed to break free and booked it out of the living room.

"When Edward kisses me, his skin and lips are like ice!" Bella happily exclaimed. "I have come to the conclusion that he is half-snowman!"

"I am_ not_ a snowman!" Edward bawled. "I am a vampire!"

"AND I AM BELLA!" Bella replied back, that idiotic grin still plastered on her vacant face.

Edward began to bang his head on the wall repeatedly. "Well...I'm the best emo around!"

"No! I'm more emo than you!" Kouji shouted, throwing a cookie at Edward's head.

"I think that I'm the most emo," the kid dressed as Edward Scissorhands said. "I mean...I'm wearing all black, I'm pale, I wear a bit of make-up, and I come with my very own blades to cut myself with."

Kouji thought for a minute. "Okay, you win. But the only difference is that Edward Scissorhands is cool and Edward Cullen is the worst plague that the world has ever seen."

A girl dressed as a giant apple walked by. "I have anatidaephobia! I fear that somewhere in this world a duck is watching me!"

"Apple!" The guy dressed as Ryuk was following her, walking on his hands. "I...need...an apple!"

"Gah! Forget this! Bella, come on!" Edward the fairy bitched. "Let's go to your house so that I can watch you sleep!"

"Yay! I love your stalkerish ways!" Bella climbed onto his back. "Jacob doesn't give me piggyback rides. But I wonder if he would give me a ride in his werewolf form if I put a saddle on him..."

Chiharu randomly walked up to them. "If this was Prom, you'd all be dead by my awesome telekinetic abilities... And for the record, Jacob is a shapeshifter, not a werewolf. Stephenie Meyer was an idiot and found too many inconsistancies in her story so she decided to take the easy way out. This is what happens when a mentally unstable woman on crack decides to write a story that is based on a dream. It is very creepy how obsessed she is with her own creation... I wonder if she pictures Edward's face while she's fucking her husband... That is,_ if_ she has a husband..."

"Damn you! Come on, Spidermonkey! Let's go!" Edward began to run, only to miss the door and crash into the wall.

"Mmm...what's going on?" Zoe asked, kissing Takuya's neck and obviously unfazed about their public displays of affection. "What was that crash?"

Takuya shrugged, still on top of her as he began to grope her silk-covered left breast. "I think some idiot just ran into the wall because he missed the door..."

"Oh, okay..."

While they continued their not-so-discreet make-out session, one of the girls who had been cuddling Tommy suddenly lost it.

"Ohh, I wanna take him home with me!" She cried out, lifting him over her head with an almost superhuman strength.

"Uh-oh," Tommy muttered as she made a mad dash for the door.

J.P. noticed this and ran after them. "Don't worry, Tommy! I'll help you!"

He ended up trampling Edward and Bella, getting Edward's glitter make-up all over the floor. Bella was too stupid to realize that she had been trampled and simply laid there on the floor as she stared at the ceiling in awe.

"There's a light hanging from the ceiling," she speculated. "It's shiny...like Edward!"

"Oh, shut up, woman!" Edward mumbled, dragging her out of the house by her ankle.

Once they were gone, J.P. returned with Tommy and the girl over his shoulder, unconscious. Since she was dressed as a slutty nurse, he had decided to bring her back inside after knocking her out, hoping that she'd go out on a date with him once she had awakened. Hmmm...a slutty nurse and a Pilgri-

"Quaker!" J.P. shouted.

Okay, okay. Quaker... However, the rest of the party worked out great and several couples resulted in that strange night, some of them caused by the spiked punch. Alucard and Little Red Riding Hood, a 40's gangster and Poison Ivy, the two Devils, a penguin and seven other girls, a Quaker and a slutty nurse, Jason Voorhees and Carrie, and last but not least, Solid Snake and Sailor Moon. Gerald try to find Twink, but it was only because he wanted to cuddle with the dog, not because he was into beastiality. We'll save that for Bella and Jacob. Edward and Bella did remain a couple, though Edward was soon so annoyed with Bella's stupidity, that he threw her off a cliff and he cremated himself. And then all was good in the world of literature where Stephenie Meyer's horrible books could no longer fill anyone's brains with her toxin. Then the fangirls all decided to jump into the ocean in hopes that Edward Cullen would come along and help them. He never did because he's a fictional character, so they all drowned due to their stupidity. But it was all for the best.

**And that is the end my Twilight-bashing Digimon fic! I had a ton of fun making this ^^ I'm just so sick and tired of hearing about Twilight! I mean, jeez! If you're gonna go on about a vampire novel, pick up Bram Stoker, Anne Rice, or even Stephen King because he's written some vampire stories as well. One Twilight fan was actually stupid enough to believe that Bram Stoker _copied_ Stephenie Meyer... Bram Stoker who published_ Dracula_ in 1897... You see, this is one of the reasons why I have no faith in humanity whatsoever... Anyway, let me know how you liked this fic. Flames are expected and welcomed.**

**Also, I will say that I have attempted to read Twilight...worst mistake of my life. I couldn't get past page 5 before I burnt the book with my lighter. So I had to do a bit of research on the Cullen family of fairies to get valid information about them. I gave them a chance to show off their 'amazing vampire skills', which were horribly lacking. Worst wannabe-vampires ever... As I said, even Count Chocula is a better vampire than the Edward Cullen. But enough of my rants ^_^ Now I'm off to go plan another one-shot.**


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